Needs and Expectations

Relationship Needs and Expectations

This is one of a series of Pre-Marriage Counseling Compatibility forms I use.  It is just as valuable a tool for those already married particularly in the first year where both people are constantly discovering new things about each other and setting up their parameters within which their marriage will function. I believe pre marital counseling goes a long way to achieving a loving and a well-matched couple. It affords both people an opportunity to learn about their partner before any of these issues comes up within the marital situation. Knowing what to expect goes a long way toward understanding and working together in harmony. Surprises make responses turn into reactions as they often trigger old issues for the surprised partner. The better you know each other the less time your adjustment period will be.

Everyone has pre-programmed expectations in a relationship and it is often these very expectations, when unmet, that sabotage a relationship without the parties being fully aware of the undercurrent at work.

When you have both completed the form, we will discuss your answers together and check for compatibility, mutuality, and willingness to change and compromise where there are differences. A deep love and respect for each other is the most important thing to base a relationship on. The second most important criteria is honesty. Be as honest as you can when answering these questions. That will not only allow your partner to get to know you and your expectations but will give us a basis for counseling. Beliefs and even behavior patterns can be changed very easily using Deletion Protocols .

List under each category below some of your relationship expectations.
There may be more than one right answer for you.  Mark all that apply.

Personal Treatment:

_____I expect to be treated lovingly and with respect at all times.
_____I know marriage is a give and take situation and sometimes I just  
               don’t feel too loving or supportive.
_____No matter what is going on, I always love and respect my mate even if
               I don’t show it.
_____My mate should know I love them without me telling them. I’m still here.
_____I believe in treating my mate with love and respect even if we are having a  difference of opinion.

My family belief system about personal treatment was:


Mutual Support:

_____When we’re arguing, I want and expect my mate to be considerate and
               keep a civil tone to her/his voice.
_____Arguing and hollering is part of marriage and doesn’t bother me that
_____When we’re disagreeing, I would rather have it out right then and there.
_____When we’re disagreeing, I would rather shelve it until we’re both calmer.
_____When something upsetting comes up for me out of past, I want and
               expect my mate to support me lovingly and patiently while I handle
               whatever feelings I have.
_____When something upsetting comes up for me, I like to isolate myself for a
               few days and process it myself

My family belief system about mutual support was:


Respect for Personal Property:

_____This is very important to me. I don’t want my papers or personal property
_____I don’t mind if my mate moves my stuff while trying to clean up the house.
_____I would not like it if my mate went into my handbag or pant’s pockets.
_____I don’t really care if my mate goes into my handbag or pant’s pockets.

My family belief system about respect for personal property was:


Shared Household Responsibilities:

_____I expect my mate to share in the upkeep of our home.
_____I don’t mind being doing all the household chores myself.
_____I am willing to share in household chores.
_____I am unwilling to do housework or yard work.

My family belief system about household responsibilities was:


Child Rearing Expectations:

_____I expect my mate to share in the responsibility and care of the children.
_____I don’t mind being the primary caretaker.
_____I am willing to share the rearing of the children.
_____I love my children but this is just not my thing.

My family belief system about child rearing was:


Companionship Needs:

_____I expect and want my mate to be there for companionship most of time
              when he is not at work.
_____I enjoy doing things with my mate but I need some time alone or with the
_____I don’t mind my mate having a night out with the boys or the girls.
_____I can’t understand my mate’s need to spend time with his/her peers.
_____I like spending all the time I can with my mate.

My family belief system about companionship was:


Faithfulness Expectations:

_____I expect my mate to be faithful.
_____I may not always be faithful.
_____I would not mind if my mate stepped out once in a while.
_____I would be extremely upset and hurt if my mate stepped out on me.
_____I can take anything in a marriage except unfaithfulness.
_____I may wander but I could not stand it if my mate did.

My family belief system about faithfulness was:


Independence/Codependence Expectations:

_____I expect to exercise control over my mate.
_____The man is the boss of the home.
_____I believe my mate is competent to make their own decisions and I don’t
               want to interfere.
_____Women and men can make decisions together when it affects both of
              them and individually when that is appropriate.
_____All decisions within the family unit should be made by both partners

My family belief system about independence and codependence was:


Willingness Barometer:

_____I am willing to work on my beliefs about areas in our marriage which are
               at a variance and are causing us problems.
_____I think everything is fine just like it is and we don’t need to make any

My family belief system about willingness was:


It is only by sharing these expectations that each person in a relationship has a chance to evaluate the needs and desires of his partner, determine if he can meet them, and have a meaningful discussion as to how to handle the differences between his own needs and the expectations of his partner.  Knowing what is expected and required of each of you in the relationship will prevent many hurt feelings and arguments.



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